If I Could Fly
by SarahMarie4321
Summary: Everything was going good for Stephanie. She though she had caught the man of her dreams. But she waited too long and and her catch was snagged by another women. At what lengths will she take to get him back?
1. Ever Changing

Have you ever read something that killed you inside? Like a text message or someone else's status. Everything was going fine until you accidentally came across something you didn't want to read. Or found out something you were better off not knowing. It's almost as if it was posted just to purposely hurt you. But you constantly read it over and over again to torture yourself. It sucks how one little thing can ruin your whole day. The words "In a relationship." sped through my mind. All I could think about was how could I be so stupid to wait and take it slow. This is how it always ends anymore. But he was the only one I truly wanted. All of the other guys didn't hurt me as much. He doesn't even know it. He probably never will. I kept going through his Facebook feed and seeing them, together. Together was the worst right now. Pain is all I could feel. What happened to our walks we were going to take? What happened to us hanging out and me gushing all over you. Guys never take a hint. They are always clueless. But hey, this is life. People get screwed over. The good ones always get the short end of the stick. Why does she get to have him? Why does he have to go through all of the bullcrap with her? I can clearly see that she is using him for his money and fame. I could never do that. Love is all I want to give and take from him. Why couldn't he just see the glimmer in my eyes when he smiled that perfect smile. Ah the way he smiles and runs his fingers through his hair is intoxicating. It's so hard because he'll never see me like that. I'm just a the girl who cares too much and always ends a story with "I'm sorry.". Why couldn't he see the best parts of me, when all I could see the best parts in him. I was blinded. Blinded by love as people would call it. Some people would call this puppy love. Some people would call it a heart break. I call it a tragedy. She doesn't deserve him even on his worst days. I may sound bitter but he deserves so much more. I just wish I could just let it all out of me. Tell him everything. But how could I when tears flowed at the mention of his name. I scream in my head, wishing he would see her for who she really is. He's talented and wonderful, it's almost too much for me to stand. He loves her so much. Why is he so confident in who he loves when i'm so lost? I remember when I looked into his ever-changing eyes and saw the most wonderful shade of brown. He was watching a show, I decided to watch ahead just so I could watch him as he watched the show. He laughed and crinkled his eyes up, he looked genuinely happy. I saw some fleck of gold in his eyes even. Then he turned and looked into my blue-green eyes and I couldn't hear a sound he made. I just shook my head and kept it to myself that I was in love.

He needs to fall in love with someone who wants him, who understands him even in the madness; someone who helps him and guides him through the pain and suffering of this universe; someone who is his support beneath his feet, someone who is his hope. Fall in love with someone who talks with you after a fight. Fall in love with someone who misses you and absolutely wants to be with you. I wish he wouldn't see her only for her looks and body. Who even gives a fuck about about sex? People act like it's the most important thing humans do, but come on. You know what's important? Who would you die for? Who do you wake up at five forty-five in the morning for, even though you don't even know why they need you? Looks only take you so far. It's who you are deep within your soul. That should only matter. How pure is your soul.

When I make a mistake, I know it, I feel it, I tear myself apart, I lose sleep, I don't stop thinking about it. When I say 'I'm sorry." I mean it. I'm my own toughest critic. I've seen stuff that she has done. She could cheat on him with four guys in one night and not feel a slight of grievance. I'm not the type of person to give up on someone. Yes, sometimes I get really mad and upset so I need a minute to cool off but I would never abandon anyone. I don't leave people. And I think that's why it always hurts so bad when people leave me. I randomly catch myself thinking about him. How his day is going, if he's eaten today, How she treated him today, things like that. I would honestly love to know how he's doing. Again pain flowed at the thoughts every time. I'm not an expert on love but I'm pretty sure that I love him and I always will. Hopefully one day I can ask him all of these questions I am asking myself when he crosses my mind. I should hate him, I should be angry because he loves her and not me, I should be angry that he treats me like a child, giving me hope for a future that he knows I so desperately wanted. But then I remember the words he said to me, the way he made me feel when the weather was warm, and my god, I wish I didn't have to love him, but I find it impossible to stop. How about we blame love on the disasters of the world. Love has killed more people than any disease. When you truly love someone, you will fight, wait, hope, and even kill for. It's a feeling that makes you completely blind. We just follow the voice that leads us to our loves. No matter what they do, their name is engraved letter by letter in your veins, it runs through your blood. No matter what we do there is no runaway; you're just stuck on a railway waiting for the train to demolish you. And as we drown in our own thoughts, we wonder if our hearts were still beating or if it was just a sound in our ears. If I could fly, I would becoming right back home, into your arms, where I feel the most safe.


	2. Distractions

The worst type of crying is when your lips start to shake and tears build up quickly and fall fast. You're bent over or crouched trying to suck it in and not trying to make a sound but it hurts too much to hold it in, so you let out a yelp and a cry, then comes the loss of breath, which sucks because not only you're crying out loud but you think you sound dumb for not breathing too. It's just a mess. I feel pathetic for crying over a guy. I am not depressed. I can still smile at pretty things and laugh when jokes are funny. I can still talk to people and enjoy nice days. But when I go inside, when I am alone, there's something broken, and I fall into a sweet sadness. It engulfs me. I look in the mirror. And I don't like what I see, and the tears always falls when I fall asleep and I miss something. That doesn't exist. I am not depressed. I've just been sad for a while. But I can still find the light. I can still smile. When someone asks me, "What's wrong?" I simply reply with, "I'm just tired." and they agree; they say take a nap. But you see, this exhaustion, it is not something simply resolved by sleeping, I can not simply shut my eyes and wake up okay. I need a break from my brain, my heart, my life. I need to go away for just a little while. Could you blame me. I'm still falling from my own personal cloud nine. And to be perfectly honest, I haven't hit the concrete yet. I'm in the middle of heaven and pain. Nobody knows the real me. Nobody knows how many times i've cried in my room when nobody was watching. Nobody knows how many times i've lost all hope, how many times i've been let down. Nobody knows how many times i've felt like i'm about to snap but I just don't, for the sake of others. Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head when i'm sad, how horrible they truly are.

The distractions I had were work and social media. They betrayed me. As I walked back to break, I saw them. My face instantly tensed and I had to punch my leg. No matter how hard I try to ignore it, It comes falling right back in my face. Everytime I try to accept it, the guilt and pain comes rising up again. I mainly go through the motions of the day. Days like these make me want to pack my bags and leave. But that would show that I am not as strong as everyone thinks. Everyone has a choice in every situation. You can be weak and wallow in your own pity. Show that you can't handle the worst of the worst. Or you can be as strong as stone. Try to fight for yourself. Make people see that you can handle everything that the world throws at you. I try so hard not to be weak. I have to put on a smile because that is who he went with because it's my own fault. I should have listened to my heart and told him. I have to own up to it. He's all I ever think about anymore. I know that i'm not easy to love. I'm a chronic over-thinker, I overreact more than I should. And every once in awhile I might be insecure. But if i'm in love you you, I can promise you wholeheartedly that you will be loved with so much passion and intensity that you will forget what life felt like before I came along. You will always be cared for and you will always have someone in your corner. Maybe i'm not the best at being loved but I like to think i'm pretty good at loving.

I needed more than just fifteen minutes to cool down and clear my head but that's all I ever get for breaks. Seeing them again would just piss me off more as if you couldn't tell. I kept my eyes peeled as I walked back to the front to take my assignment. Working as a cashier has it's perks and disadvantages. Many you see the people that you loathe and have to be nice to or else you'll lose your job. No matter what people say, retail is a thankless job. And like any job you have your problems with co-workers. Mine was one of my superiors. She watches me like i'm going to steal the money out of the register and treats me like i'm four years old. It pisses me off because she thinks she the Queen of the store but in reality she's just a bitch.

As I was scanning, I saw him out of the corner of my eye and like before she was with him. I had to keep my cool. She brings out the worst in me. After all he was still my friend. Whom I love but you already knew that. "Hey, Stephie!" His voice rung in my ears.

I hated that name so much. But he could only call me that and get away with it. "Hey, Paul. Haven't seen you in awhile. How've you been?" I said as I scanned the items.

"Fine. I miss hanging out you. What have you been up to?" His voice echoed in my ears.

Oh, what have I been up to, other than crying and blocking you out of my head….."Work, work, and more work. This place keeps me busy. Trust me I want to see you too!" I forced out.

He smiled at me and I broke inside. I looked at her and thought more about why she doesn't deserve him. Sabrina is her name but I love to call her the gold digger. I reluctantly said hi to her but said it in a cheery tone. She didn't even flinch, she clearly heard me. She looked straight at me when I said it. I kept my thoughts in order, preventing them from leaving my lips. I couldn't afford to lose this job or my friend. I fought with myself and finally started to talk to Paul again. Truthfully, I wanted him to stay right in front of me until I got off of work. I wanted to talk about how things used to be and question his thinking with her and us. Maybe he loves me too but couldn't say it like me. I need to stop my head rampling. It always gets me into trouble. My heart was causing my own pain and my brain was telling me to flee.

It always ends with me, giving the customer their receipt and telling them have a nice day. It fed out of me like I was on autopilot every time. But this time my mouth spit out "I love you."

I started to kick myself in my head. I heard him giggle and say "Love you too Stephie."

My head started to jump to every conclusion. It was a mental battle between friendship love and love love.

I met with my work friends, Nancy was in the break room at the time. We did the usual "Steph!" and "Nancy!" thing we always did and started to conversate. "How many hours you got left?" Nancy asked.

"None." I smiled.

"LUCKY! We should switch. I only got two more hours." She teased.

"My butt is gonna be sitting on my soft couch watching love stories that will make me cry." I said as I clocked out.

Nancy giggled a little. She was much older than I but we got along so well. I always looked forward to see her at work because she makes the place so much more happier with her smile and witty remarks that always made me laugh. It's what I desperately needed right now. My mind wasn't in the right place. Dark is how you can describe it. It's like i'm shooting with broken arrows. I keep aiming at him and I keep missing. I can't even say his name right now. Every time I see him, darkness surrounds me and I can't see anything but my sorrow. Every time I see her it's like gasoline on flames. When I'm alone all I can think about is him and his empty promises. I know he never meant to break them but I kept them in my heart and mind. This depression was eating me away. Nobody said that it would be this hard. First loves are a pain in the ass and love triangles are a bigger pain in the ass. Everything always is complicated and i'm alone yet again. We always ignore the ones who adore us, and adore those who ignore us.

People will never know the actual pain of this, heartbreak. The cold hard truth is that I felt it in my heart when I saw his hand in hers. All of the happiness slipped out of me. I felt it when I heard him laugh at her jokes when that's all I ever heard from him. I felt it when he pulled her in close and kissed her lips. It made out to the world with my gasps for air when I saw his arms around her. It finally hit my knees, as I tragically fell to the floor mourning the love we could have had. All day and nigh I kept pressing the rewind button in my head, slowly making the pain grow and made more tears in my eyes. I wallowed my sorrow in my cold bed as I slowly fell asleep.


	3. Broken Woman

I've got a hundred million reasons to leave. Trying to make the worse seem better is really hard at the moment. My head is stuck in a cycle between love and hate. Love for the good in the world and the amazing people that I have met. Hate for the horrible tragedies of this life. People lie, cheat, and steal. Steal the good parts away from other people, Cheat the system of this fucked up world, deceive the most amazing people in the world. It's hard to believe anyone says anymore. Faith in the good, while you're in pain takes a lot of courage. I have only one good reason to stay, but that reason is failing to never staying that reason. Every heartbreak takes a toll on everyone, trust me I would know. I've been dealing with it for 2 months now. I hate that I have to neglect such an amazing person for the sake of my own pain. About a month in we hanged out with the rest of our other friends and they starting talking about her and I had to separate myself from them. It probably didn't help that I was going through a facebook broken relationships page while sitting on the porch. Everything felt more real than ever at that moment. I was fighting back the tears as I read through. I couldn't cry now, not when he was inside and where people were having fun. Biting my cheek helped but not enough. I had to go back in and face the music, but I knew I couldn't handle it. I secluded myself on the couch in the corner and waited for this night to be over. Nobody really cared. As far as they were concerned I was invisible. After about 2 hours of absolute torture everyone decided to call it a night. Paul and our friend, Emily were on the floor, drunk off their asses looking at her facebook profile and waved me over. I gave them a fake smile and said that I had to go to work in the morning, grabbed my stuff, and then headed to my car. I lost my internal fight. Tears started flowing at the thoughts of this whole situation as I drove down the winding roads. I truly thought I could do it. I could see him and actually talk to him without this happening. My mind was too clueless, but my gut was right. As soon as I got home, I hanged up my keys and went straight to my room and then started to sob uncontrollably in my bed. I never turned on a single light in the house. Darkness reflected on my emotions right now. The thoughts of the most indescribable pain came and went. I think you can guess who the pain is. The worst part of this was I had no one to comfort me, no one to stay that i'm stronger than this, no one to stay fuck this bastard, and that he not worth crying over. Of course my mind would tell me the exact opposite though. I am broken to the point of borderline insanity. Being human is mostly pain and suffering. I can't truly find a place where I truly belong. Everyone takes things for granted. Love is a game, life can be played with, and family is meant to be thrown away to some. I'm more old school to today's society. Love should be honest and true, life needs to be unique and different for each person, family needs to be taken care of and nurtured. That's the major difference and I guess I have to pay the price of being a good person in a bad world. As kids we dream of the perfect life. I've always dreamt of kids, a husband, a big house with a huge yard, and money that can be played with. I can't see it at this moment. All I see is loneliness in a small apartment. No one had ever shown any interest in me. It's always a one way street. I'm sick and tired of getting everything thrown back in my face. It's easy to throw them all under the bus and call them the worst names imaginable. I say those things to hurt them but in the end I hurt myself more. I point my finger but it does me no good. It makes me the bitter person that I never wanted to become. It makes me resort to their level. I can only take responsibility for myself. I always fall for the hopeless people that I think I can help, when they don't want help. I want to make them to see that they can be the best thing in the world when all they can see is the pain and suffering of their own lives. I can be the change they want to see but they wallow in their own pity. It takes two to help.

Now that I think about it, I feels like i'm trying to force it on them. Change can be good and this kind of change is for the good of themselves. Most people with those horrible thoughts resort to drugs and killing themselves because they think they have no one to talk to, no one to support them, and no one to care about them when people are there to do all those things. It would kill me if someone I truly knew did that. No one should ever have to feel alone in any situation. But here I am feeling like the most lonely person in the world. Sadness is what always kills a person. All they want to do is stay in their safe zones until its okay to step back into the world. But those safe zones can take awhile to come out of and break up more relationships. You hide your heart away from harm. Harm from the most vile people and the most pure people because you're scared of everything. People put on acts that they are the pure ones when you pull the veil back they are the vile, hideous, and cruel people.

I had to get up and clean myself up and try to regain my composure. Walking into my bathroom, I started to wash off my black tear streams from my left over makeup. The mirror on the wall was my only friend at this point. The rise and fall of my life, the mirror helped me see the real me. The myth where mirrors can show you who you really are is strong. I see the scars of my life, I see the guilt ridden eyes of my own shame, I see the love tained lips, but most importantly I see the broken woman I have become because of one man. I'm taking beatings left and right from my own brain. I feel pathetic. Why does this have to be so hard to control my own life at this point. Torn wasn't even a word for it. I hated and loved this man to the point of me falling apart.


	4. Damaged

I had finally worked up the courage to go and see Paul. To be completely honest I missed him. As if you didn't know that. I knew there would be an affect on me afterwards but maybe this time I could handle it. As I drove over I was preparing myself. Every part of me wanted to hope for the best. But my brain kept going to the worst. I forced my head to not pay attention to it all and started to listen to the music echoing from the speakers. Four stop lights and a left turn later I was in his driveway. I took a deep breath and happily walked to his door and knocked. Most people would call me insane doing this. But this kind of insane was only skin deep. It seemed like forever for him to answer the door. But as soon as I saw his face light up, the wind in my lungs was knocked out of me. He quickly embraced me into a tight hug as I returned it. "Stephie! What a wonderful surprise at my door." He said

We pulled apart and all I could smell was his spicy cologne. I about fainted, but I had to gain my composure. "I was just in the neighborhood and decided to drop by and see if you wanted to hang out." I said.

"Yah! Sure. We weren't doing anything anyway." He said as Sabrina walked up.

I knew that he was probably sitting alone on the couch watching TV while she was off somewhere ignoring him like the plague. I just sickens me to even think of that. I saw her snide smile as Paul closed the door. "So what do you want to do?" He asked.

"Wanna go to the movies?" I asked.

"I completely forgot that Deadpool was out! Stephie, you have to see it. I mean I've already seen it a billion times already but it's hilarious!"

I giggled at his admiration. "Okay, okay. Let's go then." I said as I smiled.

Being with him right now seems so easy. It was like no time apart or pain ever existed. We were actually laughing and joking around. This is what I needed. Once we got into the theater we had gotten our tickets, drinks, and snacks then sat and watched the screen, hoping for the movie trivia to pop up soon. I think I can speak for the both of us when I say that we got the best seats. It was right under the projector on the very top. It was always my key spot to sit. A movie question popped up as soon as we started to talk. It read "Who is Prongs, Padfoot, Moony, and Wormtail?" Paul didn't even flinch. "Its James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew from Harry Potter all in that order. Anyone would know that." He proudly said.

I looked at him in awe. I love Harry Potter but apparently not as much as him. The next one flicked on "Who played The Terminator in the Terminator movies." Again he didn't flinch. "Arnold Schwarzenegger!" He said

"You really know your movies." I said.

"Well when you have a ton of time alone, Netflix and DVDs usually past the time." He said

"Alone? Doesn't Sabrina hang out with you?"

"Nah. She's usually in our bedroom on social media."

"Does she ever come out of the cave?" I said as I giggled.

"Only to have me do something for her. Like cook and fix something for her."

"That doesn't sound like much of a relationship." I said sadly.

"We make it work." He said.

The look in his eyes after he said that was defeated. I didn't want to seem overbearing so I just dropped the subject as the movie was starting. I was watching him and making sure that he was at least having fun. The thoughts kept going through my head and it made me want to cry for him. Why does he put himself through this torture? As soon as I heard him laugh at the jokes coming off of the screen I felt reassured. As the movie went on he seemed genuinely happy. After the movie was over he kept going on and on about the jokes and the raunchy parts and I gladly listened as I slipped in and out of my thoughts. "I'm sitting here staring at you, feeling like I'm looking at stranger, yet a friend. Were you not the guys that I laughed uncontrollably with and had tears running down my face? You were the person I could tell anything to. You made me feel strong and supported me through everything but now looking back at me are empty eyes and a thin straight line has taken place of your beautiful smile, all because of this one person. I feels like she has control over him and how he feels. It's some kind of magic."

I motioned him over to the arcade games and started to play. My favorite will always be skeeball. "I bet I can get a higher score than you." He said

"I'll take you up on that offer."

I love his confident smile. "Ladies first." He remarked.

"Watch and learn pretty boy." I giggled

I immediately sunk the shot into the ten thousand hole. A smirk slowly spread my face. Nine shots later, My score was 35,000. A personal best in my opinion. Paul took his turn. Ten shots later, he had beaten me by 1,000 points. "I believe that you learned more than I did." He giggled

"I'll beat you next time." I smiled.

I saw him reach into his pocket and his face turned from pure joy to utter disgust. I could tell who it was once he answered the phone. The screaming could be heard for miles. I wanted to cry for him. All he was doing is having fun with a friend and she was accusing him of fucking every Sally, Claire, and Jane. "Calm down babe." I heard him say.

Just out of instinct, I pulled him to the car and drove him home. I wanted to try to make him feel better but he wouldn't budge. Utter silence filled the car. Other than the faint music that was playing. Here I am, a thousand miles away from you again. Just an hour ago, all you could do is laugh. All she ever does is shatter the broken pieces of you. He hasn't seen what love is really about. I could tell he was dreading facing her, when he shouldn't be. As I turned the corner, I could see her waiting right by the curb. Her arms were crossed, her body was tense, I could see her foot tap tap tapping away on the cement, but worst of all, I could see the horrible expression on her face. It was like Paul, killed 100 people or more. I stopped in front of her. Another scowl formed on her face. It took everything in me to just smile back at her. I turned to Paul. "If you need anything, just give me a call or text."

He smiled at me and said ok, then got out of the car. As soon as he walked around she proceeded to scream at him. I had to take a deep breath to control whatever I had left from not jumping out of this car and scream right back at her. All of a sudden I heard a smack. I instantly turned to see Paul with his hand covering his cheek. At that moment, I felt all of the control leave my body. I didn't miss a step. "What was that for?!" I asked

"For being with you the entire night, instead of being with me!" She retorted.

"Excuse me! What exactly were you going to MAKE him do for you. All you do is use him for his money, his time, and his body. ALL you say to him is "PAUL DO THIS, PAUL DO THAT, while you're in your bedroom making fun of people behind a TV or a computer screen. You don't deserve him at all! I know that you don't love him. It says it all in your actions towards him! I see everything you do to him and how you make him feel. We were having fun as FRIENDS and then you call him and basically tell him that he's a pathetic piece of crap who loves to cheat on you whenever he got the chance. When we all know that it's the complete opposite. You don't know how much you are actually missing of this amazing guy right here. He's capable of so much more than you."

"You are just jealous of us. I have him wrapped around my fingers and you can't stand it. Isn't that right little miss bitch."

I couldn't handle my anger anymore. My arms were controlled over my rage with this whole situation. I did not care where I hit her. Pain is what she needed to feel. As much as mine and his combined. She thinks it's ok to use and control people out of her own pleasure, well she better think again. This release was ecstasy. For a second I didn't feel anymore of my mental pain, but when I felt Paul's hand on my arm, I could finally hear him yelling at me, telling me to stop. I saw the pain I have caused him when I looked into his eyes. I looked at Sabrina, the blood and forming bruises was flashed back at me. The puffiness of her now black and blue eyes made me think that I am better than this. Paul kneeled beside her. I knew she was still alive by her moaning in pain. He carried her inside. I followed out of instinct. Once he laid her down on the bed, he started to yell at me like she was doing to him. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!? HUH! I had this completely under control."

"Have you ever thought that no one should ever hit you or even have her yelling at you like that for no apparent reason. Or have you ever thought that I care about you AND THAT SHE IS NOT WHAT YOU NEED. What you need is someone that actually loves you. Not someone bossing you around 24/7. Someone who will help you through thick and thin, night and day. Someone who is right beside you ready to catch you when you fall. Let me refresh your memory a bit. I was the one who listened to your problems. I was the one who actually cared about you. I was the one who stuck around even when everyone told me to leave. I was the one who stood up for you. I was the one who loved you even when you gave me every reason not to. Lastly, I was the one who was there for you when no one else was. It pains me to see you with her because you can't see how awful she is. You don't know love or actually haven't seen it through my eyes." I trailed off.

"What are you even trying to say?!" He said angered

"What I'm saying is that…. I love you. Not in just a friend way. I love you from the bottom of my heart. You could never see it because you have never felt love. Not at least with a girl."

He was speechless but still angered. After a couple of more seconds he uttered the words I never wanted to hear. "JUST GET OUT! LEAVE!"

I followed his orders and held my tears in until I broke down crying while driving home to where I would remain for what seemed like forever.

This is my worst nightmare come true and I am entirely scared. What if I'm never going to get over you? What if five years from now, I'm still wishing for you to come back? What if every night whether it's 2 or 3 am, I'm still questioning myself; "Why did I have to do that?" Ever since you left, I see you in every little thing. I remember how you love kids so much that every time I met one, they instantly reminded me of you. I remember you every time I saw your favorite TV shows, your favorite food and even things that you hate the most. His favorite song plays and it comes back in flashes like fireworks in my brain. At first it made me smile. Now that I fucked up entirely it makes me grimace. My anger towards her had gotten the best of me and I retorted to the lowest of lows. Everyone has scars. People just don't wear them all on the outside. The truth always hurts and I didn't think it would have these repercussions. When he yelled back at me I knew I never had a chance. A chance of just him. I lost everything. I can never hear his sweet, deepened voice. I can never see the beautiful sparkle in his eyes. His deep brown eyes will never erase from the small spot in the back of my mind that holds all of the memories I can't bring myself to forget or remember completely. I can never hear is rants, laughter, and everything about him again. Now it hits hard. I can feel the lump in my throat as well as the pain in my chest which brings me to the tears in my eyes. I'm week, indeed. All I can do to try to erase these memories is drink but even the vodka just makes me think of how he hated alcohol. He has completely and totally ruined me. And I still love him. Am I a bad person for wishing him the best but still hoping him to be sad without me. I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not aware that you exist. Or something like that. I think wanting this is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning inside my head. I'm so broken that I can feel it. I mean, physically feel it. This is so much more than being sad now. This is affecting my whole body. An ache is so deep that I can hardly breathe. This pain can't be imagined. Will it ever heal? If our love is tragedy then why are you my remedy. If our love's insanity then why are you my clarity. I want to scream. I was not prepared for you to leave. This isn't fair, this nightmare. This torture, I can not bare. I want him here. God help me, help me just breathe.

They say crying is the best therapy but how come I don't feel any better than before. Being alone doesn't mean sitting in a dark room by yourself, being alone means sitting in a room full of people yet feeling empty. All my life I've craved the love I gave but somehow it always missed me. I have a family. I have a roof over my head and so much more and honestly I'm so grateful for it all. But this loneliness kills me, it breaks every dream and shatters any ounce of hope I've gathered after all these years of trying. I just want to be loved and not just by someone who'll leave, not from family because I've let that expectation go, not by friends who will leave me when things get hard. I want someone to hold my hand and tell me I'm not alone and that I will never face the darkness that lives within me alone. I just need someone to show me that even someone like me can be loved, despite being a broken mess. I swear all I want is someone to hug the broken pieces back together, to reassure me that one day everything will be okay and I'll eventually be whole. One day I won't be this broken soul that I am.

Just once I want to be worth fighting for. Just once I want to believe someone when they say they won't hurt me, and that they will never leave. Just once I want to be able to look at someone in the eye and not think about how bad it's going to hurt when they leave. Just once I want someone to be afraid of losing me. Just once I want to feel like I matter, that I am important. Just for once.


	5. Acceptance Or Hope

This is my worst nightmare come true and I am entirely scared. What if I'm never going to get over you? What if five years from now, I'm still wishing for you to come back? What if every night whether it's 2 or 3 am, I'm still questioning myself; "Where did I go wrong this time?" Ever since you left, I see you in every little thing. I remember how you love kids so much that every time I met one, they instantly reminded me of you. I remember you every time I saw your favorite TV shows, your favorite food and even things that you hate the most. His favorite song plays and it comes back in flashes like fireworks in my brain. At first, it made me smile. Now that I fucked up entirely it makes me grimace. My anger towards her had gotten the best of me and I resorted to the lowest of lows. Everyone has scars. People just don't wear them all on the outside. The truth always hurts and I didn't think it would have these repercussions. When he yelled back at me I knew I never had a chance. A chance of just him. I lost everything. I can never hear his sweet, deepened voice. I can never see the beautiful sparkle in his eyes. His deep brown eyes will never erase from the small spot in the back of my mind that holds all of the memories I can't bring myself to forget or remember completely. I can never hear his rants, laughter, and everything about him again. Now it hits hard. I can feel the lump in my throat as well as the pain in my chest which brings me to the tears in my eyes. I'm weak, indeed. All I can do to try to erase these memories is drink but even the vodka just makes me think of how he hated alcohol. He has completely and totally ruined me. And I still love him. Am I a bad person for wishing him the best but still hoping him to be sad without me. I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not aware that you exist. Or something like that. I think wanting this is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning inside my head. I'm so broken that I can feel it. I mean, physically feel it. This is so much more than being sad now. This is affecting my whole body.

They say crying is the best therapy but how come I don't feel any better than before. People will just say put that pucker away and keep your chin up. I know that that's the right thing to do. But knowing what's right and wrong can get you nowhere. Sometimes the wrong thing is the best thing to do. Take a look at this whole situation. I stood up for the only person that I would kill for because that was the right thing to do. Regret takes over my body and hatred sets in. For myself only. Why must I always fall down to pick someone up? Why must I always be the one who gets the unhappy ending? I wandered over my apartment. Finally deciding to sit at my desk, trying to think of something to write to get it off of my chest, trying not to let my emotions win but how could I not feel anything. I would say I'm sorry but I know I owe him so much more than that. I would write a letter but I'm afraid he'll see who it was from and immediately throw it away without reading the first line. If only I could visit him hoping that he wouldn't slam the door in my face. I would say I'm sorry but I don't even know where to begin to tell him how sorry I truly am. For now, I will just sit here, continue staring at an empty piece of paper until I can think of the words that are worth the read. My mind kept telling me to finally pick up the pen but my muscles never flinched. What am I actually sorry for though. Maybe beating up his girlfriend. "Phft, girlfriend. So much for that." I said.

Thinking has got my mind in a trance. I forced myself to pour all of my heart once again. Hoping that maybe this time he will finally see.

" _Paul, I don't even know where to begin. It's been weeks since I've seen you. All I know is that I miss you, I love you, and that I am entirely sorry. I'm sorry for hurting Sabrina. I'm sorry for all of the pain I have caused you, the past, present, and future. I guess jealousy really shows the worst in a person. I failed the girl that you thought I was. You have always been my biggest fan cheering me on whenever I needed it. You always thought I was strong, fearless even when I was at my weakest. All I ever wanted was to make you proud of me, proud of your best friend. I failed you. I tried to show you and Sabrina respect but I couldn't handle the way she treated you. I know you may be used to it and don't see it from an outsider's perspective. All I could see is the hatred in her eyes and the bruises you tried to cover up. You were so bright and full of life and when I looked at you I could see a thousand sunsets trapped in your eyes and all I know was that I couldn't go on without you because your hands felt like starlight and I've dreamt that your lips tasted like moonlight and somehow you gave me the whole universe without you ever knowing. We had everything until I opened my mouth. Maybe it would have been better if I didn't. Maybe I should've just kept my love for you in my chest where it belonged. I didn't think it would go this way. Then again, I didn't really know what to expect. I mean the words "I love you" are heavy, so maybe I was wrong of me to hope you could bear the weight. And you didn't, and I can't fault you for that, but I still wish you did. And if you don't love me. as I do you; I understand because who would really pick a daisy over a field of roses in your eyes. If I said that I wished you the best, I would be lying. I try to forget you but no matter how hard I try I just remember that much more. I love you more than anything Paul. I truly meant everything I said to you. I want to show you how much more I am capable of loving you and showing you what love actually means. But I guess you want Sabrina and I'll have to live with that."_

 _Love, Stephanie._

I had to gather my strength to pull me back together. Now courage is all I need to actually send this or just face him. Which has more integrity? More importantly, did I write this for me or for him. This letter was closure for me but it means more in his hands. Do I want to chance this, even more, I think to myself. Sighing, I put it in the envelope, wrote his name on it, then sat it in my purse for later, thinking maybe just maybe I can do this. I pushed everything aside and got ready for my new job. The first day will always be intimidating no matter what. I needed a change anyway. It's still retail but with food preparation thrown in. Ok, it's a gas station. I'm living the fabulous life, right. I put on a plain white T and black slacks with my favorite converse low tops and set out to take on this world with a smile no matter how bad I'm hurting. Anyway, that's what you gotta do at a job right. Fake a smile even though you have been there for five hours but feel like you've been there for fifty. My trainer is there to greet me at the front desk. Her bright smile beaming at me. "Hello, I'm Darcy. It's nice to meet you." She says extending her arm.

I shake her hand. "Hi, Darcy. I'm Stephanie as you should know by now." I say.

I followed her to the back to retrieve the store uniforms. As we were trying to find our sizes, I was admiring her face as she talked. Her hair was in a huge tight but loose bun. You could see the curly waves in the sleek black hair. Her skin was darker than my pale white skin. Her glasses perfectly framed her face. "Some days it seems like forever to find your size. They never keep them organized." I heard her say.

I gave her a small smile and found a chef's coat that fit perfectly. "It has so many buttons." I remark.

"Trust me, It's so annoying to take it off and put it back on 24/7." She said with an eye roll.

We walked to the front and got to the subs station. I mean how hard is it to make a sandwich. As the day went on I was trying to stay focused. The difficulty was growing stronger and stronger especially when I heard that all too familiar voice that has rung in my head since day one. My head slowly rose up to see his brilliant smile as he talked to the cashiers. Out of all of the places, you could be, why does it have to be here? He made his way over towards me and turned the corner without seeing me. Thank god because I was not ready to face him. I may think I'm brave but it's all a show that I desperately try to put on. I heard the cooler door slam shut. Hoping for him not to see me. I watched for a slight movement from him as he stopped in front of my area. He looked straight at my face looked away and then looked back, surprised to see me. I held a small smile while I caught his beautiful brown eyes and then saw him smiling back at me. Emotions got the best of me. I had to walk away. I tried to escape but he followed on the other side of the counter. Why does he even what to see me after all I have done? A tear fell onto my cheek as I heard him calling my name. My eyes fixated on the letter that was peaking out. This was my chance. I had my doubts for a second. I forced my hand to reach and grab it. Without seeing him again, I set it on the counter where he could grab it. He questioned me. I couldn't take the pain anymore. Forcing my muscles to move took all I had to go into the freezer where he couldn't follow. I soon felt arms around me as I sobbed. Darcy had seen everything and I hated having a new person see me at my weakest. Even the people who have been there my whole life. I wanted to leave but I was only into half way into my shift. Forcing myself to deflect everything off of me, I dove into checking the produce and seeing what I needed to fill and cut. Anything long enough for him to give up and leave.

I hate to say it but I'm scared. He smiled at me and it shocked me, but that still doesn't mean that I haven't done wrong. I used to cry a lot when I was younger. I never thought much about it. It was simple, really. If I was hurt somehow, sooner or later tears would cascade down my face. Nowadays, my eye feel like they each have their own personal da that could only break under the pressure of really heavy things like the beauty of my future marriage that I could even bare to imagine now, serious injury, heartbreak, which I suppose counts as a serious injury, and death. I Wish I was never conditioned to think that I was weak for expressing myself that way. I remember being compared to a woman while crying as if somehow women were supposed to be lesser than the men that couldn't survive without them. As if somehow women weren't stronger than history usually gave them credit for. I don't think I'll ever be able to freely cry like I used to, but sometimes it'd be nice to be told that it's okay. Sometimes it'd be nice to not feel strong for being sensitive.


End file.
